The Best Remedy to Insanity is a Testy Psychology Major with a Bat
by DeceitDemo
Summary: Louis Mancini, a young college grad, is forced by the president of America to knock some sanity back into the heads of these insane nations. Equipped with a degree on psychology, a bat, high stress levels, and a growing migraine...these nations have another thing coming.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I own none of the Hetalia characters.**

**Warning: Obscene language, some OOCness, and insanity. **

**This is my first story. Sorry for any awkwardness in the writing, and please R&R!**

* * *

Chapter 1. The Crazy Ones

It was yet another world meeting. Situated at Italy's house, most of the nation were surprisingly quiet. Italy looked like he was about to cry, France was whimpering French obscenities, England looked as if someone insulted his cooking, yet again, etc. These nations did not look happy.

Standing at the podium was Alfred F. Jones, who was at the center of the shocked attention, screaming apologies.

"I am so, soooooo sorry!"

After the initial shock carried over, mayhem ensued.

"Stop apologizing, you bloody wanker! Apologies won't help!"

"WHYYYYYYYYY?!"

"I need beer."

"Pasta... Think pasta, Italy."

"Tomatoes tomatoes tomatoes! RAAAAHHHHH!"

Spain just cried.

"It's all your fault, aru! If it wasn't for you and your creepy 'Become one with Mother Russia' crap, aru! Now they think we're all crazy, aru!"

"Says the communist who adds 'aru' to the end of all his sentences, da?"

"You _were _a communist!"

"Ex, da."

* * *

"I don't want to go in there, Mr. President." Hearing the screams inside the meeting room, Louis Mancini seriously didn't want to go in there. He could feel the migraine coming. Oh, wait. Nevermind, it's already there.

The only thing keeping him from freaking out completely was his grip on his trusty metal bat from his Little League days, used to beat burglars senseless and deflect bullets. That, and a pistol. But that was only for desperate situations.

"Mr. Mancini, remember that the fate of the world is in _your_ hands." Louis just sent a death glare at the president.

"Thanks for putting the pressure on me."


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I own no Hetalian characters. I only own Louis Mancini.**

**Here's chapter 2...**

* * *

Chapter 2. The Psychologist

This entire fiasco all started with a phone call to a sleep-deprived Louis Mancini at 5 in the morning in Wisconsin.

_Whoever called me at such an ungodly hour is so gonna get it!_ Louis thought testily as he answered his cell.

It turned out to be the president, who was spouting a bunch of shit about talking nations and sanity-deprivation. Suddenly, Louis was kidnapped by Secret Service and was talked into *cough*tortured*cough* to beat some sense into the nations as an international psychologist.

Why him? He had a major on psychology, had common sense, watched (against his own will) Hetalia with his younger sister, and owned a pistol in his back pocket. He was the perfect person (sacrifice) for the situation.

* * *

"It's the psychologist! And he has a bat! Run!"

Nations panicked as the testy college student walked inside the meeting room.

"Wow, he's actually not fat," England remarked.

"What was that supposed to mean?!" America cried out loud.

Louis stood by himself (the president had ditched him), surrounded by panicking nations, stunned.

Ah. Migraine coming. Stress levels going up.

Without any warning, he swung the bat on the wooden table with such ferocity that it cracked.

"Shut. Up. You're giving me a migraine."

"Eep!"

The nations scrambled back to their chairs.

Louis sighed. You can't act normal with these people.

* * *

+++ After the nations had calmed down+++

Louis Mancini stood at the podium with such a frightening presence that it made Germany look like a wimp.

"Alright, everyone get in a line for assessments. I need to privately diagnose you people to figure out your mental...quirks."

The nations spoke in worried whispers until the "PonPonPon" (the cover by Gero) ringtone started playing.

"Sorry, I got a call."

Japan eyes shined, his otaku radar tingling. Another otaku was in their midst.

The other nations were just kind of freaked out by the weird ringtone.

**The "PonPonPon" cover by Gero is hilarious, especially with Melochin dancing to it...**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Hetalia character, America. I only own Louis Mancini.**

**This is probably the last chapter of the day. I just wanted to get started on the diagnoses. Please review. And thanks for reading.**

Chapter 3: America's Assessment

"I enjoy burgers, and fast food, and filming movies, and sweets, and UFO's, but I really like hamburgers!"

"...Uh-huh..."

"You're American, right?! What do you like better, McDonald's or Carl's Jr?"

"Err-"

America slapped the college grad in the back. "I think we'll be the best of pals, huh?"

"...Don't touch me."

_Diagnosis: Unhealthy eating habits. Fast food obsession. Annoying._

**That was really short, huh? Expect other assessments to be a bit longer, though.**

**And to the guest who reviewed, here's your answer. Canada's going to be next, though.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Hetalia characters, Canada and Kumajirou. I only own Louis Mancini.**

**Thanks for reading. I apologize for any OOCness or any grammatical/spelling mistakes.**

Chapter 4: Canada's Assessment

"Canada? Why are holding onto that bear?" Louis warily watched the still bear, getting some sort of creepy vibe from it.

Canada's eyes sparkled at the American. "You can see me? And Kusajima, too?"

"Yes?"

Suddenly, Canada started breaking into tears, so Louis ended up awkwardly holding a box of tissues while Canada told him the sob story of his life, Kumajirou _still_ getting drizzled with tears and snot that the tissues hadn't managed to catch.

At the end of their session, Louis ripped Kumajirou out of Canada's hands and threw him in Italy's washing machine, rubbing his hands with flower-scented hand sanitizer.

"Waah! Why'd you put Kukajimo in the washing machine!? He'll die!"

"...So that wasn't a stuffed bear."

The bear didn't even flinch when it was thrown inside the washing machine. Now, that's just plain creepy.

As Canada ran off carrying a soaked Kumajirou, Louis could see the bear's head over Canada's shoulder, just watching him.

Watching him...

Louis shuddered.

_Diagnosis: Self-esteem issues. Social problems. Bear fetish. Sanitary problems. Inability to remember his pet bear's name._

_Diagnosis (for the bear): Creepily still. Makes you wonder if it's really alive._

**Imagine that bear just watching you...watching you.**

**Next one is Italy.**


	5. Chapter 5

**I usually don't upload this late, so... sorry.**

**Anyways, I'm watching the Oscars right now...**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Italy. I own Louis Mancini.**

**I apologize yet again for the roughness of this chapter. I didn't have much time to edit, since I posted this as soon as I got home.**

**Italy**

"Stop, stop with the pasta, please!"

"But it's so good, ve~"

"The amount of carbs you intake is absolutely disgusting! If you were human, you'd probably be as fat as most of America's citizens these days!"

"You're not fat though, ve~"

"...It might be because I'm part Italian?" No, that wasn't the reason why. He was actually traumatized from becoming fat after almost being squashed to death by a fat man who fell off his scooter thingy.

Louis had to go to the E.R. for three cracked ribs, and had totally forgotten the entire situation when he woke up. But the trauma still remains...

Just in case anyone wanted to know.

"Oh yeah!~ Your last names Mencini! That means we're related, ve~ Isn't that great?"

Louis scanned the pasta-loving idiot in front of him.

"No."

Italy ran from the room, crying. Poor Germany had to awkwardly comfort the nation as the weeping man held onto him.

"He's so mean!"

Louis walked outside with Italy's pasta-to-go suitcase in his arms.

"Go take back your damn pasta."

Italy looked up at Louis with watery eyes.

"You don't like past-"

"No, I don't."

"What IS wrong with you?!"

Germany had hold Italy back as he attempted to stuff half-cooked pasta in the American's mouth.

_Diagnosis: Usually a bubbly, crybaby idiot. Keeps adding "ve~" at the end of his sentences. Scary pasta obsession.  
_

**Next is Romano, a.k.a South Italy.**

**By the way, I'm going to make a few minor edits on previous chapters soon.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Here's the next chapter...sigh...**

**Disclaimer: I own no Hetalia characters, especially Romano, the tomato bastard, and France. I only own Louis Mancini.**

**Romano (South Italy)**

"What the hell did you say to my fratello, you bastard?!"

Romano had been the bathroom during the entire Italy event, hiding from France, the tomato bastard, the potato bastard, and Louis. But after hearing about his brother freaking out, he decided to be the next one to have a session with Louis to give him a piece of his mind. His courage was admirable, but short-lived.

"Sit down, Romano, before I hit you with my bat." Louis was feeling particularly peeved and frazzled from Italy's attempt to stuff pasta down his throat, and dealing with his pissed-off elder brother wasn't doing any better to his fried nerves.

The trusty metal bat leaning next to Louis's chair gleamed evilly, giving Romano a bad feeling.

As if France was about to attack him from behind.

"Waah! You're scarier than the potato bastard! Tomato bastard, save me!"

Spain immediately crashed through the wall in an almost dramatic fashion. "Lovi, my love! Do not worry, for I am here!"

"Fuck, I didn't mean it seriously, you idiot!"

Louis sighed as he scribbled on his clipboard.

Diagnosis: Excessive cussing. Quick to anger. Tsundere wimp.

**Next is Spain...**


	7. Chapter 7

**Here's Chapter 7.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any Hetalian characters. I only own Louis Mancini.**

Chapter 7 - Spain's Assessment

After a long string of threats and bat swinging, Romano had left scared out of his mind, and Spain was talking animatedly to Louis about hilarious events involving the Bad-Touch Trio.

"And then, France ran inside Victoria's Secret, running after girls and screaming, 'Let me touch your boobies!' Gil and I cracked up so bad! We really shouldn't have spiked his wine with Russia's top-secret vodka."

"...Why?"

"Why don't we talk about some dirty secrets! That'd be fun!"

"...Spain..."

"Oh. I remember this one story Romano told me! Apparently, he walked in Italy's bedroom, seeing Italy and Germany in bed, doing-"

"LA LA LA LA! I don't want to hear it!"

"-was so freaked out that ran to me with his face like a tomato!"

"Please. You're making my migraine worse..."

"Migraine? Oh, I got a real good story involving a migraine. It all started when Prussia stole one of England's magic books that explained how to summon a ********. Ahahaha. Good times."

Louis felt a wave of nausea hit him.

Diagnosis: Slight obsession with Romano and tomatoes. Has the uncanny ability to say the most dirtiest stories with an angelic smile.

**The next one is France.**


	8. Chapter 8

**So sorry it's late and I missed a day. I've been obsessing over Fire Emblem: Awakening, which I just got from the mail yesterday, and I've poured at least 12 hours a day in that thing. It's a long game, even for the easiest mode. So...yeah...**

**And if you're wondering how the hell I'm managing to waste 12 hours (a day) with that. Well, I homeschool myself.**

**Enough about me. Sorry once more.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any Hetalia characters mentioned. I only own Louis Mancini.**

**I apologize for any awkwardness and grammar errors.**

**Here's France**

Chapter 7: France's Assessment

"Did Spain tell you?"

"Tell me what?"

France checked his surroundings before speaking in a hushed voice. "About that time when me, Gil, and Antonio went to Monaco while being chased by a Gundam, an Excalibur-wielding Arthur, and a Russia wielding a demonic sunflower."

Louis laughed. "No. He told me about the Victoria Secret's fiasco, but thanks for another interesting blackmail- I meant story."

France's mood darkened considerably. He had heard the distinct "blackmail" in Louis's words. "I should have known Antonio would talk about Victoria's Secret!" He wailed loudly.

Louis patted the back of France's back. He was kind of having fun with this. "It's okay, France. I won't tell anyone. As long as you do a few things for me, that is."

France looked up with a sort of gleam in his eyes. "Oh, what does Monsieur Louise want of me, ohonhonhon~"

"...Not those kind of things. And don't frenchify my name!"

"ohonhonhon..."

France edged a bit closer to Louis.

"France?"

Louis felt kind of uncomfortable.

* * *

Gilbert, who was next in line, eventually strutted in the room, yelling, "What the hell is taking so long to keep the awesome me waiting?!"

Prussia witnessed the two in a kind of awkward position.

France was on top of Louis, looking as if he was going to plant one on Louis, and Louis trying to aim for a one-hit K.O with his trusty bat. Unfortunately, France's head was bobbing around too fast to get a clear shot.

"What the fuck?" Prussia asked incredulously. "You never raped anyone before, France! Why the heck are you trying now?!"

France gave Prussia a desperate look, the same desperate look that he used when he attempted to make England sign his marriage documents. "I'm not raping him, Prussia. I'm trying to knock him out and erase his memory via amnesia."

"Those lips of yours seem to say otherwise."

And then, from behind, Louis finally managed to hit that one-hit K.O. on France. France fell to the ground with froth gurgling from his mouth and a sort of weird twitch as if he was possessed. Louis's trusty bat seemed to enjoy France's blood on it's metal, and it's aura seemed to lightened considerably.

Gilbert didn't notice the bat's aura, but he just looked at Louis with a raised eyebrow, who looked back at him with a frosty look.

He then extended his hand. "'Sup. I'm the awesome Prussia."

"Nice to meet you, Prussia," Louis said gratefully as he took his hand and shook it.

A comfortable silence enveloped the two as they shared a silent mutual understanding of the entity that is France.

"France is an idiot, huh?"

"I'd like to say that he was more of desperate."

Diagnosis: Creepy. Perverted. Takes things over the top to the point that it's terrifying.

**Next is obviously Prussia.**


End file.
